Hand Me Off (song I've written.)

Black and white
Have never felt so right.
So many shades of gray
The color’s washed away
Beetles and bug-eyed
We’ll turn to the right side
And left it too loosely
Tied with the accusing

Well go, hand me off now
Into the crowd, who’re screaming out loud.
Bend me until I break
This was no mistake
I’ll eat my own cake and I’ll make it, too.

Old and stumbling along
Just hummin’ a song
Free their poor arms
All tangled and harmed
I’ll be where you are.

Well go, hand me off now
Into the crowd, who’re screaming out loud.
Bend me until I break
This was no mistake
I’ll eat my own cake and I’ll make it, too.
And make it too.
We hold the truth.
To tie up this youth, in denial
Told you so it’s alone.
Left here on your own
But roll your own stone
So it goes again.
And it goes again.

So misunderstood
They tell you it’s too good
To be close to the truth
You know “we don’t know you”
So wrap up again
It is time to pretend
When the wreckage distends
Then I’ll shout it out loud.

Well go, hand me off now
Into the crowd, who’re screaming out loud.
Bend me until I break
This was no mistake
I’ll eat my own cake and I’ll make it, too.
Making it, but you’re breaking it (until it bends again)
Until we send again.
Go, barefoot in the snow
You’ve now stubbed your toe
And yet nobody, nobody knows you!
Well go, hand me off now (hand me off now)
Into the crowd, who’re screaming out loud. (screaming out loud)
Bend me until I break (until I break)
This was no mistake (was no mistake)
I’ll eat my own cake and I’ll make it, too…

Thoughts Like Ticking Time Bombs.

I am reminded every day, every good mood of some sort of depression. Like you, who meant so much to me and decided to exit my life stage right. Is it so hard to deal with me? If so, why can I not see how? What do I do to deserve this painful departure.

And so, I hold my head tight and let my thoughts disappear again. Nothing is worth willing unhappiness. I am strong enough to deal with this, and so are you. So is everyone, all the broken hearts and lonely minds. I know you can hold this world on your back, were you to try. Maybe this is bigger than the world, though. I couldn't fathom a problem you couldn't fix. I love you too much to let you hurt.

Sitting in a waiting room full of average people. It's so odd, to see these men and women and children just sitting and willing time to move faster. In a psychiatrist's office, you'd imagine crazy people. But no, I try to see past the exterior and imagine what mental restrictions they could possibly have inside. Imagination, I like that word. It's bigger than anything, and limitless.

And back to base one. I will not allow myself the release of unhappiness right now. I will not be weak, and because it is obvious to myself that I can deal with much more, I will smile. This is nothing compared to what hand I've been dealt before. I am superman. I can live. I can climb this mountain. This is my mantra, now and forever.

Arms to Cradle, Hands to Hold.

I am so jumpy it's insane. I want out. Bipolar, why are you so spontaneous?! And I wonder why I have insomnia, haha. I talk to all these people, all these unique, interesting people. And I see so much good, how is that so? Am I just one to peer innocently into someone's "soul" and tell them they have potential. That they can do great things. I wish someone would explain that to me, tell me I'm worth the space I take up.

I miss you, I really do. Something about you, your sarcasm and witty remarks. You say you've found a key, to one of many doors? I wonder what it could mean. Your vagueness drives me up the wall, but so be it. It amuses me as much as it infuriates me. I wonder, do you ever stop to think of me? Am I anything to you anymore?

Slow piano and dragging feet like zombies. Aren't we born dying? So let's make the most of it, until our flame crackles out. We are but fires, some destructive and dark. Some are warm and comforting. I'd like to think I am a firework, showing the lost candles how bright they can be. Like I said, life is short. Make it worth burning.

Cowardly Lions

I seem to be easily hurt, as if I'm covered in bruises, and the usual day to day activities and tasks pinch at those already sore spots. I'm constantly lonely. I'll entertain the thought of talking to you, then dismiss it. You really aren't close to me anymore. You're busy, I know. I do not blame. I just think.

My heart seems like it's thumping against my chest constantly. It's exploding every second. Deep breaths. Sad eyes. I wish you'd reconsider, rather than think of it black and white. God, we are different. It seems I'm meant to persistently yearn for what I cannot have.

I finished my short story, and I'm quite proud. It doesn't even matter if it is terrible, at least I finished it. I tried, and I got to my goal.

Now to do that with every other part of my life....

A Rusty Razor

A handful of general depression.
A smoke filled mouth.
A few sadistic thoughts.
and a smiling doll.

It all equals out to many thin lines of beautiful red blood.

Love and Other Lies.

Sore all over from bending over work. And crying like an idiot. I enjoy being able to let it all out sometimes, but it gets ridiculous. Do I have this much pain stored in me? That I hide from even myself? Very likely. I feel so lonely. Even those I love don't see how much it hurts sometimes. Even those I try to open up to. I guess I am doomed to be lonely forever.

I wanted to slice my wrists into ribbons today. To watch the streams of pretty, deep red blood drip down. Never too deep, although I want to hit a vein often. I don't really have the courage to do it. I think that defines me as an emo more than anything. Instead of cutting, however, I pierced myself again. So much cleaner and more fun. Scars are sweet to only me. I think of it as strength; see how much I can take. God, I've been bitter today.

I miss you, yes. I'm afraid my heart has shut down a bit, scared of being toyed with and broken again. I will try to open up, to make it trust again. But now I know how much I risk. And ignorance was bliss; I try to ignore the signs I'll be hurt. When it happens it doesn't hurt as bad though. I see it coming, really. I just consciously ignore. I wish I could help you open up, timid and scared like me. I really don't care what happens to my battered little heart. It's almost numb to pain with this much practice, so I can see how much harder it would be for you. You are new and fresh, and innocent.

I am savoring this headache and back ache. It's weird to describe. My masochistic moods, my martyrdom. I love it. And yet I am so self absorbed... I must work on that. It's so easy to go back into this, what I'm used to. Where I please everyone around me so they'll love me. All they love is my attention, MY love. And I know this. I am alright with it, because who could love me for me? Even I can't do that.

I hope when I see you I can smile again, be a little more selfish and a little less satanic. I want to make you smile. I want to know you... So please just trust me. Be young and stupid with me. Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Shaking Shoes

Writing a lot of poetry recently. And debating. Invigorating, it is. I love viewing others' opinions and seeing what they see. Trying to show people my views. and more and more I change from it, in a better way. Have you ever tried to imagine how much you would mentally grow? Have you ever thought, I think I've reached the point where I just change slowly? That is ALWAYS a lie for me. I don't think anyone ever slows down unless they choose to remain ignorant. And for someone like me, thirsty for knowledge and wisdom, I will continue to grow until the day I die.

This... infatuation, for lack of a better word, is so filling. I'm not dependent, which is good, but I love talking to you. I'm always smiling with you in mind. And it all still feels like a dream<3 How can this have blossomed overnight? The past escapes my mind and feels like the speed of light, but the long road ahead stretches farther than I can see.

It's a bit trial and error, as you said. I know how much you mean to me, and it's a bit scary for someone to hold that over my head again. As always, I am afraid of being used. I know consciously you would never do that. And so I will ignore my phobias, and move on with you.

Your lips, your smile, your eyes and hair and hands. Warm arms and chest. All these pieces of you assemble to form a person. Your mind, more than anything, is the most beautiful thing. I want to know everything about you. I want to hear your past, and your fears. I want to talk with you for hours, maybe laying in the grass again, ignoring the occasional passerby. Maybe looking up at the starry sky, finding the big dipper again. I want to know you, more than anything. To be with you, even just sitting and watching you. I want to explore with you in tow. We can move this world, haha. Us.