Run Dry.

I wish you'd just see me. I hint every minute. Every second, a change in attitude. A shift. I wish to GOD you'd notice. That I'm crying on the other side of this computer, like I've been bawling inside. Putting on a happy face, as always. Tell me it's okay. That you love me. Hold me. Please I'm begging you, save me from my facade.

I'm so scared of myself. The minute you tell me I'm not helping people, I feel no purpose. I want to cut again, or jump off my roof. I'm sorry. For not being strong enough or good enough. These tears roll off my cheeks. They're blinding.

When will I be able to tell you? When I can pull of the mask, show my weaknesses, and let the wall down?

It is time for change, in myself. This time I mean it. The image of my aunt, my role model, is ingrained in my head. She has arthritis in her legs, and still she got up every morning. Even when her knees locked up, she would go in to work and never complain. My grandmother is proud of her. I someday will be like that, strong and admirable. I have so many people pushing me forward and helping me along. I feel I don't deserve their care, but thank them graciously nonetheless. I will change and be the one who inspires people to do great things, to be a better person.

I am realizing there is more than just me. And someday maybe I can accept myself. Who knows? Maybe my dad will too eventually. The self loathing is drained. You drive me forward, and give me hope for a change.

"Another day and you've had your fill of sinking. All the life held in your hands are shaking cold. These hands are mine to hold, speak to me. When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through..."