Arms to Cradle, Hands to Hold.

I am so jumpy it's insane. I want out. Bipolar, why are you so spontaneous?! And I wonder why I have insomnia, haha. I talk to all these people, all these unique, interesting people. And I see so much good, how is that so? Am I just one to peer innocently into someone's "soul" and tell them they have potential. That they can do great things. I wish someone would explain that to me, tell me I'm worth the space I take up.

I miss you, I really do. Something about you, your sarcasm and witty remarks. You say you've found a key, to one of many doors? I wonder what it could mean. Your vagueness drives me up the wall, but so be it. It amuses me as much as it infuriates me. I wonder, do you ever stop to think of me? Am I anything to you anymore?

Slow piano and dragging feet like zombies. Aren't we born dying? So let's make the most of it, until our flame crackles out. We are but fires, some destructive and dark. Some are warm and comforting. I'd like to think I am a firework, showing the lost candles how bright they can be. Like I said, life is short. Make it worth burning.

Cowardly Lions

I seem to be easily hurt, as if I'm covered in bruises, and the usual day to day activities and tasks pinch at those already sore spots. I'm constantly lonely. I'll entertain the thought of talking to you, then dismiss it. You really aren't close to me anymore. You're busy, I know. I do not blame. I just think.

My heart seems like it's thumping against my chest constantly. It's exploding every second. Deep breaths. Sad eyes. I wish you'd reconsider, rather than think of it black and white. God, we are different. It seems I'm meant to persistently yearn for what I cannot have.

I finished my short story, and I'm quite proud. It doesn't even matter if it is terrible, at least I finished it. I tried, and I got to my goal.

Now to do that with every other part of my life....

A Rusty Razor

A handful of general depression.
A smoke filled mouth.
A few sadistic thoughts.
and a smiling doll.

It all equals out to many thin lines of beautiful red blood.

Love and Other Lies.

Sore all over from bending over work. And crying like an idiot. I enjoy being able to let it all out sometimes, but it gets ridiculous. Do I have this much pain stored in me? That I hide from even myself? Very likely. I feel so lonely. Even those I love don't see how much it hurts sometimes. Even those I try to open up to. I guess I am doomed to be lonely forever.

I wanted to slice my wrists into ribbons today. To watch the streams of pretty, deep red blood drip down. Never too deep, although I want to hit a vein often. I don't really have the courage to do it. I think that defines me as an emo more than anything. Instead of cutting, however, I pierced myself again. So much cleaner and more fun. Scars are sweet to only me. I think of it as strength; see how much I can take. God, I've been bitter today.

I miss you, yes. I'm afraid my heart has shut down a bit, scared of being toyed with and broken again. I will try to open up, to make it trust again. But now I know how much I risk. And ignorance was bliss; I try to ignore the signs I'll be hurt. When it happens it doesn't hurt as bad though. I see it coming, really. I just consciously ignore. I wish I could help you open up, timid and scared like me. I really don't care what happens to my battered little heart. It's almost numb to pain with this much practice, so I can see how much harder it would be for you. You are new and fresh, and innocent.

I am savoring this headache and back ache. It's weird to describe. My masochistic moods, my martyrdom. I love it. And yet I am so self absorbed... I must work on that. It's so easy to go back into this, what I'm used to. Where I please everyone around me so they'll love me. All they love is my attention, MY love. And I know this. I am alright with it, because who could love me for me? Even I can't do that.

I hope when I see you I can smile again, be a little more selfish and a little less satanic. I want to make you smile. I want to know you... So please just trust me. Be young and stupid with me. Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Shaking Shoes

Writing a lot of poetry recently. And debating. Invigorating, it is. I love viewing others' opinions and seeing what they see. Trying to show people my views. and more and more I change from it, in a better way. Have you ever tried to imagine how much you would mentally grow? Have you ever thought, I think I've reached the point where I just change slowly? That is ALWAYS a lie for me. I don't think anyone ever slows down unless they choose to remain ignorant. And for someone like me, thirsty for knowledge and wisdom, I will continue to grow until the day I die.

This... infatuation, for lack of a better word, is so filling. I'm not dependent, which is good, but I love talking to you. I'm always smiling with you in mind. And it all still feels like a dream<3 How can this have blossomed overnight? The past escapes my mind and feels like the speed of light, but the long road ahead stretches farther than I can see.

It's a bit trial and error, as you said. I know how much you mean to me, and it's a bit scary for someone to hold that over my head again. As always, I am afraid of being used. I know consciously you would never do that. And so I will ignore my phobias, and move on with you.

Your lips, your smile, your eyes and hair and hands. Warm arms and chest. All these pieces of you assemble to form a person. Your mind, more than anything, is the most beautiful thing. I want to know everything about you. I want to hear your past, and your fears. I want to talk with you for hours, maybe laying in the grass again, ignoring the occasional passerby. Maybe looking up at the starry sky, finding the big dipper again. I want to know you, more than anything. To be with you, even just sitting and watching you. I want to explore with you in tow. We can move this world, haha. Us.

With You In Mind.

That person whom you always seek to find. The one that drives you through the day. Could it be too soon to be so attached? I trust you enough to stop caring, and find myself with you in mind. Often I will catch myself drifting off, wondering. I hope you're smiling, happy during the day. I love your smile.

I was told today that I grow on people. It got me thinking, do I really? I have always been a bit likable, but I'd never though more of it. Well maybe I am just me. Who knows if I'm a rare breed, or even any good. It seems those who least deserve love get it. Maybe that is why? I don't know, but hopefully someday I can use this for more good<3

I have listened to a lot of new music recently, looking to find ones that fit my moods. In fact, I have been experiencing new moods every day. The medication and life changes have affected me so that every day is a new... flavor you could call it. Like tasting a new emotion every day, slightly changed. It's amazing and I wish I could share the experience. You really can find a bright side to everything, like a great feeling in a mental disorder.

These emotional flavors are so distinctly different, even in the slightest ways. Words do not do it justice. At the moment I am calm and content, amused. Curious and teasing, playful in a mellow way. Almost like a cat, haha. Anyways, the mood is very enjoyable. Like a favorite flavor of ice-cream, I'll have the taste on my mind for a while.