Love and Other Lies.

Sore all over from bending over work. And crying like an idiot. I enjoy being able to let it all out sometimes, but it gets ridiculous. Do I have this much pain stored in me? That I hide from even myself? Very likely. I feel so lonely. Even those I love don't see how much it hurts sometimes. Even those I try to open up to. I guess I am doomed to be lonely forever.

I wanted to slice my wrists into ribbons today. To watch the streams of pretty, deep red blood drip down. Never too deep, although I want to hit a vein often. I don't really have the courage to do it. I think that defines me as an emo more than anything. Instead of cutting, however, I pierced myself again. So much cleaner and more fun. Scars are sweet to only me. I think of it as strength; see how much I can take. God, I've been bitter today.

I miss you, yes. I'm afraid my heart has shut down a bit, scared of being toyed with and broken again. I will try to open up, to make it trust again. But now I know how much I risk. And ignorance was bliss; I try to ignore the signs I'll be hurt. When it happens it doesn't hurt as bad though. I see it coming, really. I just consciously ignore. I wish I could help you open up, timid and scared like me. I really don't care what happens to my battered little heart. It's almost numb to pain with this much practice, so I can see how much harder it would be for you. You are new and fresh, and innocent.

I am savoring this headache and back ache. It's weird to describe. My masochistic moods, my martyrdom. I love it. And yet I am so self absorbed... I must work on that. It's so easy to go back into this, what I'm used to. Where I please everyone around me so they'll love me. All they love is my attention, MY love. And I know this. I am alright with it, because who could love me for me? Even I can't do that.

I hope when I see you I can smile again, be a little more selfish and a little less satanic. I want to make you smile. I want to know you... So please just trust me. Be young and stupid with me. Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.